Points of Reflection

 I started writing this post early, hoping that I would be able to actually finish and publish it by the 18th. I've started multiple posts over the last few months and never finished them, either for lack of time or interest. I mean, I really doubt anybody wants to read what I write anyway; "verbose" is a good descriptor for me. Or in layman's terms, I'm just wordy. Ask anyone who knows me even slightly well. Thirty words never do when three hundred will do a better job. 😉

But this week, I was thinking about 2020 and all the ways it's personally affected me. So many things, good and bad, have happened over the course of the past 12 months. Who would have ever imagined in January that by March, our world would no longer look "normal"? I keep thinking back to the early months of this year, in disbelief that January was only 11 months ago...and the things that happened then, they weren't really that long ago. I was glancing back over some journal entries I'd written in March (yes, actually written and not typed!) recently and realizing how much God has worked in my own life this year even when I've felt like a failure over and over again. So, the following are some points of reflection I've had over the last week or so. I turn 29 this Friday, so I tried to do 29 points but I didn't quite make it. 

2020 has been full of pain and loss...but God still comforts the hurting. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

2020 has been a year of uncertainty...but who God is, is always certain. (Isaiah 40:28)

2020 has been full of changes...but still, God never changes. (Job 23:13)

2020 was filled with injustice, discord, and strife...but God is still just and righteous. (Psalm 89:14)

2020 has brought panic, fear, and sickness...but God is still sovereign and our Great Physician. (Isaiah 45:7; Psalm 103:2-3)

2020 has isolated many of us, emphasizing our own loneliness...but God still never forsakes His own. (Hebrews 13:5-6)

2020 has physically separated us from family, friends, and even our church family...but God is still with us. (Isaiah 41:10)

2020 has altered relationships in a variety of ways, even broken them...but God still wants relationship with us. (1 John 4:16)

2020 has revealed even more sharply how broken we really are...but God still provides redemption and reconciliation through His Son.(Ephesians 2:4-5)

2020 has seen the members of the church body fight with, devour, and bite at each other over insignificant matters...but God is still using His church to further His kingdom. (Matthew 28:18-20)

2020 has revealed, again, how sinful we really are...but God is still a God of "steadfast love" who is "abounding in mercy." (Psalm 86:15)

2020 has shown us to be unfaithful individuals...but God is still faithful, to His promises and to His people. (Deuteronomy 7:9)

2020 has shown me to be a sinner in desperate need of a God who pursues me, even when I pursue worthless things. (Ephesians 2:1-3)

My journal entries I mentioned before, I remember where I was when I wrote them. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. The deep pain that I thought would never heal. The sense of confusion and even betrayal from others. I remember being so desperate to the Lord for Him to remove those things, I wondered if I would ever be on the "other side" of it and be able to understand what healing really meant. And really, in retrospect, it was probably silly in some ways, but the pain, hurt, and heartache surrounding the situation were incredibly real. I literally thought to myself that I would never experience freedom from those things and feelings, thinking I would always be trapped in a prison of misery. Here's the thing, though: I neglected to believe for myself a very real truth. God is not limited by my own flaws. And thankfully, He is not limited by my own disbelief in His character. He's gracious enough that He disciplined me with a difficult and hard circumstance...and I fought it every step of the way. I finally, maybe around the end of the summer/first part of the fall, came to terms with it and let go of it. I realized that He really did know better than me. His ways are always better, and His thoughts are not mine. He sees and knows everything, and because He is all wise, He withholds what we would consider "good" because He knows that it really isn't for our good...or for His glory. I've asked myself several times since, would I be willing to choose that all over again, knowing where I'd end up? 

The short answer, just out of my pure human nature, is a firm NO. I don't know that I would ever choose the harder road (though let's be honest, I made it a lot harder at times because I was being rebellious and stubborn). Thank goodness I don't have the ability to go back and choose. God, in His infinite wisdom, goodness, holiness, and love, chose the better thing for me because I don't hold even a small fraction of His wisdom or knowledge. I've come to love that passage in Hebrews 12, where the author talks about how the Lord disciplines those He loves, and if He doesn't discipline us as sons, He doesn't love it. I think about my own parents who disciplined me...at the time, I didn't understand why; I just thought they were being mean! As an adult, I realize they did so for my own good and my protection because they knew better. I had to trust that, just like I have to trust my heavenly Father that He knows better than me. How arrogant of me to think that I can choose better than Him when I don't have even a grain of sand compared to His vast ocean of knowledge. 2020 has shown me that I can be grateful for His shutting doors on my own plans in preparation for His own, even when it's a hard situation.

                                                                    "Get used to different."

If you know me at all, you also know how big a fan I am of The Chosen, a multi-season TV series about the life of Christ (Okay, stop reading, go download the free app and watch all 8 episodes for free. You will thank me later.). One of the things that stood out to me from the show was their use of Isaiah 43, which as you all know, is my favorite passage in the Bible (hello, I tattooed it on myself in permanent ink!). One of the ideas presented in the show is that Jesus did things differently. He was a different Messiah than expected, He turned the status quo on its head, He even treated women of His day differently. When He calls Matthew from his tax collector's booth, and Simon (Peter) objects to this, Jesus simply responds, "Get used to different."  This has been a drumbeat of 2020. Get used to different. This is the new normal. But for me, "get used to different" has not just been a thing representative of 2020 itself, but of how God has been working in my life and in the life of my family over the last year. I think I've shared my story of how difficult the end of 2019 was for our family; our lives got completely turned upside down last September, and for all of us, the rest of 2019 into 2020 was full of questions, tears, anger, hurt, and more questions. Why would God allow that to happen? Why are people in the church allowed to get away with doing that to their pastor? Why, God, why? 

"Get used to different."  Even our family traditions for things like Thanksgiving and Christmas are having to change because, "get used to different." I never realize how much I dislike change until I have to "get used to different". How good a reminder, too, that unlike our world and lives, God never changes. His immutability is what makes Him God, and me...not so much. Thank goodness for that. Did you know that the director of The Chosen, Dallas Jenkins, based that concept of "get used to different" on Isaiah 43?  Specifically, Isaiah 43:19, which says, "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."  How beautifully humbling to know that God not only provides, but He makes a way when it's seemingly impossible; because quite frankly, on our own strength and in our own supposed "goodness", it IS impossible.

Will 2021 be any better than 2020?  There is no telling. I certainly hope so, but I'm a natural skeptic I think so I always look for the gray clouds among the silver linings. 😂  One part of me is glad I am ignorant of the future, while the other part of me hates uncertainty and the unknown. But while I don't know the future, I do know Someone Who does. Corrie ten Boom once said, "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."  That's what I will strive to do, not just with 2021, but with every facet of my own personal life.

Isaiah 43

I think I'm probably the world's worst blogger. I have 2 drafts sitting in my writing inbox, only because I just didn't have any inclination to finish them! This is probably why my old blog died to begin with, and it goes to show why I can never be a professional writer. I don't like deadlines and I can't apparently even blog about my own life consistently. 😂 This was originally started on June 22, over a month ago. In my defense, though, I was busy packing and moving when I originally drafted this. Quite honestly, I feel like when I'm in the process of moving, I pretty much pack my brain away in boxes and that's all I can focus on. Fortunately I'm unpacked and (mostly) settled in my new apartment. I've gone a full 2 weeks with nothing breaking, overflowing, backing up, getting stolen, not working, etc so I consider that a victory. Let's see if I can make it a month! 

All that aside though, I realized that I never blogged about a major thing that I did a couple of months ago around Memorial Day. When I initially shared about it on Instagram, I said the story behind it was a little too long to share via that medium, and then I never followed up on it.  A good friend reminded me of that after she asked me about it. Whoops! If you follow me on social media (which you probably do if you're reading this) then you know that I made the decision in May to get a tattoo on my wrist/lower forearm. This was a months-long decision, as I had been thinking about it since the end of January or so and had made plans with my sister to get tattoos in March when I visited Dallas for my nephew's birthday. COVID had other plans. I had to cancel my weekend trip and everything was shut down for a long time. I needed to get out of town for a few days (work was burning me out) so I trekked to Dallas for Memorial Day weekend. 

Can I just say that the experience was not what I expected at all? I had this idea in mind about the shop we'd visit...clean, but something like you see in the movies or TV. This was definitely not it. The shop  was very clean AND nothing like I'd imagined. Neither was my tattoo artist! That should teach me to have unrealistic expectations of things, right?  I felt a little out of place-I never desired to get a tattoo before the last few months. I was perfectly fine keeping ink off my body, and I also have a tendency to change my mind so I didn't want to commit to anything permanent I'd have to regret at some point. But, after last fall's events and the ever-changing atmosphere of our current world, I wanted a constant, visible reminder of promises that I'd discovered back when I was in middle school.

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
 Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
    peoples in exchange for your life."

There are 24 more verses to this chapter of Isaiah, and I highly recommend you spend time reading it on your own. I committed in 2018/2019 to learn the entire chapter by heart; it's 8 months into 2020 and I still only have about half of it memorized (Scripture memorization is HARD!). Why did I choose to attempt that? It was part of a New Year's set of goals that my Sunday school teachers at the time challenged us to attempt in 2019. They asked us to pick a "desert island passage", a portion of Scripture that, if you were stranded on a desert island with no access to Scripture, you could be spiritually fed because you had memorized that passage. My mind instantly went to Isaiah 43. And, for good reason: I had discovered it in middle school and it became my favorite passage of Scripture.

See, in middle school, I was bullied. A lot. Not only was I a preacher's kid, I was homeschooled. And I was a pre-teen, which just added to the complications of growing up as a homeschooled preacher's kid. The bullying I had to deal with came primarily from those within the church. Sad, isn't it? The one place I never should have had to be worried about it was the one place I received the most of it. My sister could tell similar stories. I can remember one week at youth camp, when I spent several days/nights in tears because of the bullying and exclusion. What was even more discouraging was the fact that it was ignored/almost encouraged by the adults who were acting as sponsors AND who were involved with teaching middle and high school. It grew so bad that eventually, I left the youth group and never looked back. I never attended Sunday school at that church again. I never attended Wednesday night services unless it was with the adults. In fact, the experiences I had then left some pretty deep and big wounds, wounds that would go unhealed for a long time. For years, I could not stomach attending Sunday school. It was too hard and I hated it because that was one of the primary places I'd experienced so much pain. 

It was in middle school that I questioned my worth. I had very low self-esteem, and I struggled with depression all throughout middle and high school (I still do but that's another post altogether). I don't remember the year or month, or exactly what had happened that caused me to be searching my Bible for something comforting to read. And I'm not really of the (somewhat superstitious) belief that you're just "led" to a passage. But I do think I stopped to read Isaiah 43 for a reason. I had never read it before.  The promises were written for Israel while in exile in Babylon. Some of the things outlined are specifically for them, not for us. Even in the middle of their rebellion, God was faithful to them, upholding His covenant He'd made with Abraham hundreds/thousands of years before. Even in silence, He was working.  Reading through the Old Testament this year has given me a greater understanding of God's character-by no means have I exhausted it though. I grew up hearing that the God of the Old Testament was different from the God of the New Testament (not from my dad, mind you), and at one time, though I knew it to be a false saying, I thought it had some truth to it. How could a God so wrathful and full of anger in the OT possibly be reconciled to be the same God who sent His Son in the New?  The last few years have shown me that God is the same God of both testaments. Reading the Old, I've seen more clearly how God could have destroyed Israel completely. He had every justification to do so (just read 1 Samuel-2 Chronicles to get an idea of Israel's wickedness), and yet He was repeatedly referred to as being a God of "steadfast love" and displaying "great mercies" (Nehemiah 9:17,19). He provided a way for Israel to right themselves before Him: through sacrifices, offerings, and tabernacle worship....which ultimately foreshadowed the Lamb that was to come in Jesus. 

 

I was asked why I would choose to ink something permanently onto my body. And believe me, I had months to consider it and I thought it through. The simplest answer is: Isaiah 43 has been a passage I've loved for years. It has reminded me of God's great love for His children, and His promise to always be with them regardless of circumstance or wandering.  He may lead us through difficult times and really dark valleys, but He doesn't leave us there alone. Isaiah 43 has been a passage I've circled back to time and again over the years, especially recently. I wanted a visible reminder that I would see every single day. I have no excuse for forgetting what the passage says about God. I've prayed the passage over a couple of my youth girls, because I want them to know that as followers, they are called by name (not forgotten or invisible), and they are redeemed because they are His. You've probably heard me talk about The Chosen, a multi-season series on the life of Christ. If you haven't had a chance to watch it, go check out their YouTube channel for trailers and clips. Then, go download their free app to watch all 8 episodes for free. Episode 1 has one of the best endings and features this passage. When I saw the very first trailer for the first 4 episodes, I bawled because they featured a very specific line from the end of that episode. Every time I see that episode, I cry during that scene because the way it was scripted/filmed is such a powerful reminder that I. am. HIS. Nothing, no pain, no heartache, no difficult circumstance, NOTHING can take that away from me. 

I. am. HIS. Are you?

When Life Looks Nothing Like You Expect

I originally started this post over a week ago. It was technically going to be my first "official" blog post. In it, I started talking about COVID-19 and how that affects me, and how the social distancing guidelines, closure of schools, churches, and businesses should make us long for heaven, etc. Ever write something and then think, "That just doesn't sit right"?  I had that thought when writing that draft. Same title, different content. Oh sure, I won't deny that the whole COVID-19 situation makes me restless, and it makes me long for the day when illness will no longer be a topic of discussion, but if I'm honest?  What I long for is the whole, "God will make all things new" part, not the fact that I will get to be in the presence of God Almighty for all eternity. I had this revelation last night while re-watching the week 7 session for Jen Wilkin's Hebrews study "Better"; that what I long for the most right now, is not God Himself, but for the removal of illness and inconvenience! Oof.

That said, at the time I started writing this particular post, my life looked slightly different. At the time, I still intended to proceed in my M.B.A online program, though I was questioning that decision and feeling convicted that I was chasing an idol. A few days after, I made the decision to withdraw from the M.B.A. program completely once I turn in my final exam for my current class. Honestly, this was a decision I should have made months ago, because I think I knew inwardly at the time that the right choice was not to pursue it. It just took me a lot of time, effort, tears, and money to listen to what God was trying to get me to hear. The extreme dissatisfaction I was experiencing in my job, to the point that I nearly quit numerous times, was I think a result of an idol I'd allowed to grow without even realizing it. I wanted financial security and stability; and certainly, there's nothing at all wrong with striving for that sort of thing!  But I was allowing it to override my own interests and desires; to the point where it was sapping the enjoyment out of anything and everything. I was determined that if I just achieved this "one thing", I would finally be happy. I would finally get what I wanted, and I wouldn't have to worry about my own future.

But the thing is...my future would have been uncertain whether or not I decided to pursue my M.B.A. In human terms, that is; it's not uncertain in God's terms. That's a frustrating reality for me. I hate not knowing. Part of my personality is such that I just hate not knowing what the plan is for ANYTHING. I'm probably a little OCD in that arena, because I just can't stand not knowing (ok, it could also have something to do with the fact that I'm a little bit of a control freak...). I have to know in advance what I'm doing, where I'm going, what time I need to be there, who I'll be with, etc., otherwise, I'm just a mess because I don't know what's going to happen. I feel like that is pretty applicable to most, if not all of life itself. I don't know about you, but COVID-19 has shown me in a very tangible way that I am NOT in control. I have no control over my own health, my job, my schedule, my shopping...anything. About the only thing I do have control over are the portions I feed my cats (and they probably think I'm starving them!).

It's been a hard reminder too, of how much I struggle to trust the Lord in every area of life; how much I struggle to place my desires into His hands and let Him take control. It's been a rude awakening, in a way, to realize that no matter what I do, ultimately, it's all for naught if my heart isn't pursuing Him above all other things. My friend Ashlie showed me a diagram that she learned in seminary, and I've included my own interpretation of it below. The chair is the throne of my heart. The cross represents, well, Jesus. The things underneath (labeled A, B, C, D, E) are my desires. In their proper realm, they should always under subjection to Christ. And in and of themselves, they are good things. Dating, marriage, family-those are good gifts God sometimes chooses to bestow upon His children. The problem is when one of those things or gifts grows legs and decides it wants up on the throne of my heart (excuse my poorly drawn staircase!). The result? You either have that desire kicking Jesus off the throne completely (or at least attempting to), OR you have that desire trying to share the glory of my throne with Jesus ("Jesus and..."). How it should be is #5-Jesus only. I keep this diagram on the whiteboard in my room because it's a reminder of where my priorities should be.

So, if anything, this time of weirdness has helped to reveal things I didn't realize were idols-I've struggled with the idolatry of dating and marriage for the last year (and am still wrestling with it, so that chapter isn't closed yet), but I didn't realize I was chasing an idol of financial security and money. I hid it under the guise of, "well, I won't get married any time soon, so I should look out for myself."  When I was little, I used to imagine what my life would be in my 20s. Didn't you?  I can tell you, the first 28 years have looked NOTHING like what I imagined or hoped. When I was in middle school, I had my life planned out: high school graduation, college, college graduation...and by the time I was 24, I'd be married with kids. I have to laugh about that last one. I'm 28 with two cats-I don't see that changing in the near future! 😂 (But that would be a completely separate post and one I'm not going to talk about, so...sorry to disappoint you! The Lord is certainly still teaching me satisfaction in that arena and He has a looonnnggg way to go! (Does it hinder Him when I'm kind of kicking and screaming some along the way? Just a bit.))

You know, I had high hopes for my 27th year. I made some new friends, so that was an up. Friends moved away, and while bittersweet, it was a bit of a down. I always try to look at a new year as a chance to, if not start over, hit the reset button a bit. I had really high hopes for 2019. Between starting back to school, youth camp, etc. I felt like I had a good handle on the year. Probably about July it seemed to start spiraling, slowly at first, but it continued to pick up speed throughout the fall. I switched small groups, Sunday school classes, and altered my personal life in ways I had no intention of doing in January. Then, in September, my dad was forced to resign from his pastorate at Nocona. The Sunday I found that out, it was like someone had kicked me in the gut-it came as a total shock. I can't/won't go into the details, but it was an unfounded, forced resignation. It upended my family completely and is still something I'm processing. The anger, the hurt, the bitterness...all of it swirled back up to the surface after having been stuffed for so long (like I said in my introductory post, my life as a pastor's kid is a post in and of itself). The things I thought I'd dealt with?  I realized they had never been fully dealt with. My parents ended up moving and our lives changed fairly dramatically. Christmas was nothing like previous years. Even my birthday was different.

But, a new year was around the corner, and I thought, "Surely, 2020 will be better! Surely year 28 will be awesome!". Haha, was I wrong! So far it's been an extreme disappointment; can I cancel my subscription somehow?  With all that's happening with COVID-19, I'm wondering what was worse: 2019 in its entirety, or 2020 in the first 4 months. The one thing I miss the most, aside from being able to go wherever I want whenever I want, is being at church with the people I call family. I miss Sunday mornings being all together, and I miss getting to be physically together with my small group and Sunday school class! It makes me long for the day when restrictions are lifted, which is an unknown date and seems to be moving further and further away. I have to say though, even in the middle of my own depression, anxiety, and fear, God has proven faithful. He has provided, even in small ways. He will continue to do both of those things because that's part of His nature. I am so faithless at times, it's a wonder He doesn't throw me away!  But isn't that what makes His grace amazing?  That even during my most disobedient, faithless moments, He's still pursuing me. I love this quote from Jen Wilkin, in her book, "In His Image": "even as we contemplate faithlessness to Him [regarding temptation and sin], He stands faithfully pointing the way to salvation." (pg. 103). It's reassuring to know that in my own mess ups, He is still the same. He disciplines, of course, and I have felt that discipline acutely over the past year (do I learn?  I'm working on it!). Do my problems resolve or go away because I know He is sovereign and in control?  Not necessarily. I'll be honest that this week, I've been in what Anne Shirley calls the "depths of despair". Some of it is situational (y'all, not able to do things or go places is really starting to wear on me), some of it is just me (I've dealt with depression since middle school, the severity just comes and goes), and some of it is sinful (could you tell that I relate to Israel in the wilderness?  God is still working on getting the Egypt out of me!).

I'm glad to be reminded, though, and to know that God will never change. He is always the same, He is always faithful, He will always provide even in ways I don't expect or anticipate, He is good, He loves me enough to discipline as a father, He is just, and He is holy.  Thankful too, that He peels away the disguises I put on myself, and reminds me that a) I cannot do anything on my own power--when I do, and I have, and I still do so, and will continue to do so, I only reap trouble, misery, and heartache; b) My heart is wicked and prone to seeking out other "gods", whether they be in the form of people, relationships, or money; c) I need to trust Him that He knows best--not just in the arena of money and finances, but in my desire for dating/marriage/family, and that if He chooses to withhold something, it's because it's not the best thing for me (either ever or just at the time, who knows?).

I want to share 2 songs that are really special to me. Both are by CityAlight, and they are beautiful, solid reminders of truth (I recommend all of their music-I have them on repeat!). One is called "Yet Not I But Through Christ In Me" and the other is "Christ is Mine Forevermore". As you might can guess when you listen, the verses that I identify with the most are the ones about sorrow and grief!  I'm thankful though, that despite all the pain and misery I might be experiencing now, God will not leave me there forever. It's a valley that He's faithfully walking with me and leading me through. And how awesome is it too that, "I know my pain will not be wasted, Christ completes His work in me"?

How #JesusChangedMyLife

This week is Holy Week. Some others may label it as Passion Week. Others know it simply as Easter Week. Whatever your preferred designation for this time, it is a very significant week for Christians around the world. Why, might you ask? Passion Week (as I'll choose to call it) is the week between Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday-Jesus entered Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, riding a donkey, welcomed with palm branches and the people shouting, "Hosanna!". They celebrated Him as a King. During this week, He would eat the Last Supper with His disciples, then be betrayed and arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane. He would be tried, beaten, mocked, and scorned before being flogged and finally crucified. It culminates on Good Friday, which is the day on which Jesus died. It seems odd, doesn't it, that a day where Someone died is thought of as, "Good"? Why it's good, though, is that He didn't stay dead. He didn't stay buried in the tomb. He rose on Easter morning, 3 days later as He had prophesied. In His death, burial, and resurrection, He conquered sin and death so that they no longer hold power over the believer. What good news to be reminded of, especially in this time of fear, uncertainty, and dark circumstances! If Good Friday had been the end of the story, we would have no reason to celebrate Easter. There would be no hope.


This week, several Christian organizations are promoting the hashtag, "#JesusChangedMyLife". The Gospel Coalition wanted people to post a 1-2 minute video detailing how "Jesus Changed My Life". WayFM just wants people to share their testimony using the hashtag and tagging their church's livestream channel. I thought the video was a good idea-but I'm so wordy, I didn't feel like I could condense my testimony into that short a time! So, I decided to write it out. I'm better at writing anyway than talking. At the end, you'll find a link to my church's website, Facebook page, and YouTube channel, where you can find a link to their livestream this Sunday at 10 a.m. Some of you may already be familiar with my testimony, or at least parts of it; I'm not going to get graphic about my testimony (because that's not appropriate), but I'll be talking about some things you may find uncomfortable; I won't judge you for stopping before the end. However, I do think the ugly parts are what makes the grace of God so utterly amazing-how even in the filth, He still loves even ME, and chose to make me His.

MY TESTIMONY

I grew up in a good home. My dad was a pastor, and my mom homeschooled me and my older sister Rhyan. I did not know a culture outside of the church and home until I was in college. We were in church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesdays, and often in-between. I was what you would call "a good kid", especially in middle and high school; I toed the line and followed all the rules. When I was 5, I went forward and "accepted Christ", and when I was 6 I was baptized. But do you know why I did it? My best friend at the time was making a decision. I knew all of the right answers, all of the right things to say about salvation and baptism-I could check off the boxes better than anyone else! I memorized Bible verses and got fun size candy bars as a reward (I remember that I loved Baby Ruth's as a kid because those are the kind my Sunday school teacher always had the most of.) I would bring and read my Bible and get a sticker. I would bring a tithe, and get a sticker. I would be present every week...and you guessed it: get a sticker. Remember those charts in Sunday school that you'd fill up with stickers each week for all the things you were "supposed to do"? Mine were pretty much filled every single week, without fail. I loved seeing all the boxes filled up with smiley faces or stars.

I rolled along for about 5 years after that, reading my Bible, being active in TeamKid, children's choir, VBS...basically all the things that a good preacher's kid does. When I was 11, our church showed a series of films called The Thief in the Night (note: please do NOT watch them. They're creepy, freaky, theologically questionable...and just downright weird!). I can't remember which film it was on this particular night, either the 2nd or 3rd one (whichever one had the scorpion beasts from Revelation 9). I remember one character saying to another that she was a really good person-active in church, serving, etc. but in the end, she was left behind because she was simply playing a game with God. That scene echoed in my head the rest of the night and I could not get what she said out of my head; I don't even remember the rest of the film really aside from those 2 things. The questioning that then came, "am I playing a game with God too?" would not go away. I became restless and uneasy about my own salvation, and once my dad got home that night, I talked to him about it. After a lot of prayer and Bible reading, the Holy Spirit convicted me that my decision at 5 had not been a sincere decision. I accepted Christ that week and went forward the following Sunday, and got re-baptized soon after.


Not long after that, and though I don't remember the how, why, when, who, or where...I was somehow introduced to pornography. Granted, it was mild-nothing like what is probably considered pornography* when people hear the word, and I'll mention more about that at the end of my testimony, but however mild it was, it was insidious. It only took once to get me hooked, and then it was a 15+ year struggle. For most of that 15 years, I refused to acknowledge it as a pornography addiction; I wasn't that bad! Pornography was for 'those" people who were worst sinners than me. I wasn't sleeping around. Inwardly, though I knew it was wrong, I continued in my sin. I would confess it to the Lord, seemingly repent, and then within 3-4 months, one glance or reading of something and I would be back in the cycle. This is how sin works, unfortunately. One glance ("it doesn't hurt to look") or lingering gaze is what will trip you up. I tried telling someone, but I didn't confess my full problem and so the cycle continued. I grew up in the purity culture of True Love Waits. I knew that what was going on in my life was sinful, but there was only ever condemnation and shame. I thought that if anyone really knew what was going on, I would be despised and outcast in my church. I didn't dare speak about it to anyone.


Then came a move to Amarillo and settling on my church home at Trinity Baptist. For the first time since FBC Starkville, Mississippi, I had finally found a church family. Even more so-I have never experienced the kind of Christian community that's present at TBC. EVER. In ANY church I'd been part of in the past. And in some ways, I believe that God leading me to TBC began a deep healing process, even though I really didn't know it. Because, since I was now in a place where I felt that I had people to rely on in the church, I started to become a more open person. Oh, I still hid my secret. But I was involved in ministry. I sang in the choir. I finally had some close friends who understood what it meant to be single past 24. I had a spiritual family that I'd never had before.


2018 was my turning point. I started attending a new Sunday school class--and at the time, they were going through the book of Exodus. One of the topics touched on was that of idolatry and secret sin, including sexual sin. Ouch. I felt convicted! Then, Pastor Nate preached more than once on how important the community of believers was in combating sin, and that sin thrives in isolation-in fact, it's how Satan gains victory over us in our sin, by making us believe we have to fight alone and keeping us separated from others by lies. And finally, our women's Bible study was over 2 Corinthians. One week, the homework focused on 2 Corinthians 12. You know, the passage that includes that great verse, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness"? Yeah, I love that part of the chapter! I guess I'd never really read the latter half-the Corinthian church was notorious for being steeped in sexual sin and immorality. In fact, it grieved Paul so much that he wrote them 2 letters. But it wasn't necessarily the passage that caught me, though it was a big part of what happened next. It was verses 20-21 that the homework hammered on: "For I fear that perhaps when I come I may find you not as I wish, and that you may find me not as you wish—that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder. I fear that when I come again my God may humble me before you, and I may have to mourn over many of those who sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual immorality, and sensuality that they have practiced."


The homework, which I still have the book for, asked us (the readers) if there was any sexual sin in our lives that we had not repented of. The first half I skipped; it was for those who had and were free of it. The second half was for those of us who hadn't repented of and were still enslaved to it. Kelly Minter, the author of the study, encouraged the reader to do 2 things. 1: confess to the Lord and repent of your sin. 2: confess your sin to a trusted friend who was also a mature believer, so that they could help me get free of it. I gotta admit, I slammed the book shut and refused to answer either of those things. "I can do this on my own", I told myself. "I don't need to tell anyone else. I'll just confess it to the Lord and repent." and I ignored, or tried to ignore, the promptings of the Holy Spirit, promptings that were clearly telling me I could not claim victory over this particular sin unless I confessed it to another person. It was such a strong conviction that I couldn't sleep that night. I texted a friend and asked if she could meet with me in a couple of days. It was hands down, THE hardest conversation I've ever had with someone-if only because I had to finally name my sin AND confess I had a problem. But God knew what I needed, and she met me with understanding, love, and grace. We prayed, walked through Scripture together, and I repented of my sin of pornography. Through a several weeks process, we walked through Scripture and through a book resource (Finally Free by Heath Lambert), I gained 2 other accountability partners, and had to confess to my parents my sin. Not since I'd become a Christian at 11 had I ever felt the freedom that I felt in the summer of 2018. I taught a self-created Bible study at youth camp that year, which is something I had never done before. I started praying out loud more, joined a praise team at church, and started serving on the intercessory prayer team. I also co-taught VBS for the first time in years. Ever since April 2018, God has radically altered my life. If you knew me pre 2018, you would wonder what happened to that old person. A friend even remarked that I was so "sullen and unhappy" prior to 2018, and the change since has been radical. For one, I actually talk in groups now! ;)


The process has been far, FAR from perfect. and it's far from being finished. There are ways that I sin and I think, "really? Why is THAT such a problem?" The good news is, God isn't finished sanctifying me. He doesn't throw His hands up and say, "Well, this one is too much for me to handle. She's too sinful, too rebellious, too stubborn, and too strong-willed. I can't do anything with her!". He doesn't walk away, even though I feel like He has every single right to do so, and He doesn't stop loving me, even when I don't love Him in return through my actions, thoughts, or words. He remains 100% faithful, even when I am being the most faithless in return. Do I still struggle with certain sins more than others? Um, yeah. Find me 1 Christian on this earth where that is not true and I will pay you your weight in chocolate! "But God". Those are 2 of the best words in the entire Bible. From Ephesians 2, in context Paul says, "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

So where are you at, if you're reading this? Are you following Him? The most important decision any one person can make is not related to family, school, career, or friends. It's where they spend eternity. None of my testimony is due to my own power. If I'd had the choice, I would not have chosen me. But God did. He sent His Son to die for me on Good Friday. He took all of my sin, past, present, and future upon Himself. He suffered as if He had committed the worst crimes on earth, including mine. He was treated like a criminal-physically beaten and tortured, dying the worst possible death on the cross. But the good news, aside from Jesus taking my punishment upon Himself? He didn't STAY dead! He rose 3 days later and defeated death and the power of sin; whoever believes in Him is granted eternal life. John 3:16-17 says, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. for God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him." If you would like to know how to make Jesus YOUR Lord, please ask me!


Or, maybe you're a believer struggling with sexual sin. One of the things that kept me enslaved for so long was shame and condemnation. Or at least, the fear of such things. I felt that I couldn't voice it because pornography was a "man's issue", not a woman's. And this is a very common feeling among women who are addicted to porn. They feel alone. They feel shamed and condemned because they're not "normal". But can I re-assure you? The Bible doesn't discriminate on which gender is more prone to what sin. There is no, "this is the sin of man" and "this is the sin of woman". Sin is sin. It doesn't care what gender, political party, denomination, or race you are. Satan is looking to devour you. If you are struggling with unconfessed sexual sin, please reach out to someone; me, a close friend you know, or a family member that can help you. No matter what you think, you CANNOT gain victory over something like this on your own. It is impossible!


So tell me your story. How has #JesusChangedYourLife?


If you're looking for a service to livestream on Easter Sunday morning, let me invite you to watch my church's at 10 a.m.! You can access via Facebook, YouTube, or their website; links are included below!

https://www.trinitybaptistamarillo.org/covid-19

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5wnlCXio-jF0dQOuazN95g

https://www.facebook.com/trinitybaptistamarillo/


(*Pornography is a broader term than most think. For me, pornography includes things such as erotica, erotic fiction (think 50 Shades of Grey), sexually explicit films, etc. If you look at the dictionary definition, I believe that most things we think are "harmless" sexually are really pornography in disguise. This is also partly why I was trapped for so long-I was able to justify what I was viewing as non-porn, when in reality, it was pornography cloaked in other terms.)

Welcome!

First off, I'm the world's worst at consistently writing things down. I've tried journaling, keeping a diary, etc. and for the life of me, I can't seem to do it for more than a couple days in a row!  In fact, this introduction has taken me at least 2 days to write. What can I say? I'm a procrastinator of the highest degree (which is why I don't write for a living-I would never eat!). I love to write, and my mom would tell you it's one of my greatest strengths. And I'm wordy in general-I never believe in using less than 300 words at any given time, or at least, that's probably what some of my friends would tell you. I'm fairly detail-oriented so I believe that's partly why I tend to be so verbose in absolutely everything.  I had an old blog, but quite honestly?  When you look back at things you wrote 2, 5, or 10 years ago, it just makes you want to cringe and erase it all! So, here I am starting over at something I probably won't be real great at updating regularly.

That said, you likely already know me in real life-otherwise, you probably wouldn't be reading this.  But, just in case you don't know me well or you're a total stranger, here are 20 "fun" facts about me you might like to know (they make great answers to trivia questions at parties):

1. I'm a born and raised Texan-and yes, I have a LOT of state pride! 

2. I was homeschooled from K-12 by my mom and with my older sister--I wouldn't change that at all. In fact, it's a desire of mine that, if I ever marry and have kids, I want to homeschool.

3. I was a preacher's kid for nearly 28 years--that in and of itself is a blog-worthy topic.

4. I was a licensed veterinary technician (LVT) for 4 years. I let my license expire over a year ago because I had no interest in returning to that field. Again, another blog-worthy topic I won't expound on right now! 

5. I graduated from Mississippi State University in 2013-I loved my time in Starkville and if I could do it over again I would! Just maybe with a slightly different outlook and perspective than I initially had (let's be honest: at times my attitude was awful and I was not a fun person to be around!)

6. I currently work for Texas A&M as a laboratory technician in their veterinary diagnostic lab. 

7. I own 2 neutered male cats, Bilbo and Frodo-both are orange tabbies (Frodo has white on him). 

8. When I have spare time, I write Star Wars fanfiction (you can find it listed on my profile!)

9. I sing in choir and praise team at my church, and I serve on the intercessory prayer team as well.

10. I've only been to the State Fair of Texas once (that I remember).

11. I hate snakes

12. I have slight acrophobia (fear of heights)

13. I am not a fan of the water-if it's not a pool, you probably won't find me swimming in it. The only exception, with difficulty, is the Illinois River in Tahlequah, OK. I don't like water that's a) not chlorinated and clear, and b) "open" (not enclosed by 4 walls)

14. I love to read-if you saw my bookshelves, you'd say I have a problem.

15. I love coffee

16. When I was younger, I used to be able to gallop on all fours like a horse-and no, there is no video of this to my knowledge! 

17. I love a wide variety of music and movies-musicals, classics, noir, mystery, action...you name it and I've probably seen it! I own a wide variety of movie genres. Music is eclectic, everything from Christian rap, to classical, to instrumental or acapella, musical soundtracks, country, etc. 

18. My favorite holiday season is Christmas. 

19. My favorite season overall is springtime-it's not blazing hot (usually), things are blooming and it's just refreshing!

20. I am an aunt to 2 nieces and a nephew-you will probably read about them at some point because they are a major part of my life!

Last, but definitely not least: I'm a Jesus follower. This means I'll be writing quite a bit about Him-things He's done in my life and things He's currently doing. The road of sanctification is H-A-R-D, so it'll be a common topic. Part of the reason I decided to create a new blog is because of all that's going on with COVID-19. While I'm able to go to work (and thankful for it!), I do have a bit more time on my hands since social contact is severely limited during the week. Likely, my very next post (or official first post) will be about COVID-19 and how it's impacted me personally. I mean, it's what's going on, right?  Though if you're like me, you're honestly a bit sick of hearing about it and wishing things would go back to "normal"; though I'm not really sure what "normal" was anyway!

Hope you aren't too scared off and you'll return to read my first official post, which will be written as soon as I have some of that free time again. :)