This week, several Christian organizations are promoting the hashtag, "#JesusChangedMyLife". The Gospel Coalition wanted people to post a 1-2 minute video detailing how "Jesus Changed My Life". WayFM just wants people to share their testimony using the hashtag and tagging their church's livestream channel. I thought the video was a good idea-but I'm so wordy, I didn't feel like I could condense my testimony into that short a time! So, I decided to write it out. I'm better at writing anyway than talking. At the end, you'll find a link to my church's website, Facebook page, and YouTube channel, where you can find a link to their livestream this Sunday at 10 a.m. Some of you may already be familiar with my testimony, or at least parts of it; I'm not going to get graphic about my testimony (because that's not appropriate), but I'll be talking about some things you may find uncomfortable; I won't judge you for stopping before the end. However, I do think the ugly parts are what makes the grace of God so utterly amazing-how even in the filth, He still loves even ME, and chose to make me His.
MY TESTIMONY
I grew up in a good home. My dad was a pastor, and my mom homeschooled me and my older sister Rhyan. I did not know a culture outside of the church and home until I was in college. We were in church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesdays, and often in-between. I was what you would call "a good kid", especially in middle and high school; I toed the line and followed all the rules. When I was 5, I went forward and "accepted Christ", and when I was 6 I was baptized. But do you know why I did it? My best friend at the time was making a decision. I knew all of the right answers, all of the right things to say about salvation and baptism-I could check off the boxes better than anyone else! I memorized Bible verses and got fun size candy bars as a reward (I remember that I loved Baby Ruth's as a kid because those are the kind my Sunday school teacher always had the most of.) I would bring and read my Bible and get a sticker. I would bring a tithe, and get a sticker. I would be present every week...and you guessed it: get a sticker. Remember those charts in Sunday school that you'd fill up with stickers each week for all the things you were "supposed to do"? Mine were pretty much filled every single week, without fail. I loved seeing all the boxes filled up with smiley faces or stars.
I rolled along for about 5 years after that, reading my Bible, being active in TeamKid, children's choir, VBS...basically all the things that a good preacher's kid does. When I was 11, our church showed a series of films called The Thief in the Night (note: please do NOT watch them. They're creepy, freaky, theologically questionable...and just downright weird!). I can't remember which film it was on this particular night, either the 2nd or 3rd one (whichever one had the scorpion beasts from Revelation 9). I remember one character saying to another that she was a really good person-active in church, serving, etc. but in the end, she was left behind because she was simply playing a game with God. That scene echoed in my head the rest of the night and I could not get what she said out of my head; I don't even remember the rest of the film really aside from those 2 things. The questioning that then came, "am I playing a game with God too?" would not go away. I became restless and uneasy about my own salvation, and once my dad got home that night, I talked to him about it. After a lot of prayer and Bible reading, the Holy Spirit convicted me that my decision at 5 had not been a sincere decision. I accepted Christ that week and went forward the following Sunday, and got re-baptized soon after.
Not long after that, and though I don't remember the how, why, when, who, or where...I was somehow introduced to pornography. Granted, it was mild-nothing like what is probably considered pornography* when people hear the word, and I'll mention more about that at the end of my testimony, but however mild it was, it was insidious. It only took once to get me hooked, and then it was a 15+ year struggle. For most of that 15 years, I refused to acknowledge it as a pornography addiction; I wasn't that bad! Pornography was for 'those" people who were worst sinners than me. I wasn't sleeping around. Inwardly, though I knew it was wrong, I continued in my sin. I would confess it to the Lord, seemingly repent, and then within 3-4 months, one glance or reading of something and I would be back in the cycle. This is how sin works, unfortunately. One glance ("it doesn't hurt to look") or lingering gaze is what will trip you up. I tried telling someone, but I didn't confess my full problem and so the cycle continued. I grew up in the purity culture of True Love Waits. I knew that what was going on in my life was sinful, but there was only ever condemnation and shame. I thought that if anyone really knew what was going on, I would be despised and outcast in my church. I didn't dare speak about it to anyone.
Then came a move to Amarillo and settling on my church home at Trinity Baptist. For the first time since FBC Starkville, Mississippi, I had finally found a church family. Even more so-I have never experienced the kind of Christian community that's present at TBC. EVER. In ANY church I'd been part of in the past. And in some ways, I believe that God leading me to TBC began a deep healing process, even though I really didn't know it. Because, since I was now in a place where I felt that I had people to rely on in the church, I started to become a more open person. Oh, I still hid my secret. But I was involved in ministry. I sang in the choir. I finally had some close friends who understood what it meant to be single past 24. I had a spiritual family that I'd never had before.
2018 was my turning point. I started attending a new Sunday school class--and at the time, they were going through the book of Exodus. One of the topics touched on was that of idolatry and secret sin, including sexual sin. Ouch. I felt convicted! Then, Pastor Nate preached more than once on how important the community of believers was in combating sin, and that sin thrives in isolation-in fact, it's how Satan gains victory over us in our sin, by making us believe we have to fight alone and keeping us separated from others by lies. And finally, our women's Bible study was over 2 Corinthians. One week, the homework focused on 2 Corinthians 12. You know, the passage that includes that great verse, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness"? Yeah, I love that part of the chapter! I guess I'd never really read the latter half-the Corinthian church was notorious for being steeped in sexual sin and immorality. In fact, it grieved Paul so much that he wrote them 2 letters. But it wasn't necessarily the passage that caught me, though it was a big part of what happened next. It was verses 20-21 that the homework hammered on: "For I fear that perhaps when I come I may find you not as I wish, and that you may find me not as you wish—that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder. I fear that when I come again my God may humble me before you, and I may have to mourn over many of those who sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual immorality, and sensuality that they have practiced."
The homework, which I still have the book for, asked us (the readers) if there was any sexual sin in our lives that we had not repented of. The first half I skipped; it was for those who had and were free of it. The second half was for those of us who hadn't repented of and were still enslaved to it. Kelly Minter, the author of the study, encouraged the reader to do 2 things. 1: confess to the Lord and repent of your sin. 2: confess your sin to a trusted friend who was also a mature believer, so that they could help me get free of it. I gotta admit, I slammed the book shut and refused to answer either of those things. "I can do this on my own", I told myself. "I don't need to tell anyone else. I'll just confess it to the Lord and repent." and I ignored, or tried to ignore, the promptings of the Holy Spirit, promptings that were clearly telling me I could not claim victory over this particular sin unless I confessed it to another person. It was such a strong conviction that I couldn't sleep that night. I texted a friend and asked if she could meet with me in a couple of days. It was hands down, THE hardest conversation I've ever had with someone-if only because I had to finally name my sin AND confess I had a problem. But God knew what I needed, and she met me with understanding, love, and grace. We prayed, walked through Scripture together, and I repented of my sin of pornography. Through a several weeks process, we walked through Scripture and through a book resource (Finally Free by Heath Lambert), I gained 2 other accountability partners, and had to confess to my parents my sin. Not since I'd become a Christian at 11 had I ever felt the freedom that I felt in the summer of 2018. I taught a self-created Bible study at youth camp that year, which is something I had never done before. I started praying out loud more, joined a praise team at church, and started serving on the intercessory prayer team. I also co-taught VBS for the first time in years. Ever since April 2018, God has radically altered my life. If you knew me pre 2018, you would wonder what happened to that old person. A friend even remarked that I was so "sullen and unhappy" prior to 2018, and the change since has been radical. For one, I actually talk in groups now! ;)
The process has been far, FAR from perfect. and it's far from being finished. There are ways that I sin and I think, "really? Why is THAT such a problem?" The good news is, God isn't finished sanctifying me. He doesn't throw His hands up and say, "Well, this one is too much for me to handle. She's too sinful, too rebellious, too stubborn, and too strong-willed. I can't do anything with her!". He doesn't walk away, even though I feel like He has every single right to do so, and He doesn't stop loving me, even when I don't love Him in return through my actions, thoughts, or words. He remains 100% faithful, even when I am being the most faithless in return. Do I still struggle with certain sins more than others? Um, yeah. Find me 1 Christian on this earth where that is not true and I will pay you your weight in chocolate! "But God". Those are 2 of the best words in the entire Bible. From Ephesians 2, in context Paul says, "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."
So where are you at, if you're reading this? Are you following Him? The most important decision any one person can make is not related to family, school, career, or friends. It's where they spend eternity. None of my testimony is due to my own power. If I'd had the choice, I would not have chosen me. But God did. He sent His Son to die for me on Good Friday. He took all of my sin, past, present, and future upon Himself. He suffered as if He had committed the worst crimes on earth, including mine. He was treated like a criminal-physically beaten and tortured, dying the worst possible death on the cross. But the good news, aside from Jesus taking my punishment upon Himself? He didn't STAY dead! He rose 3 days later and defeated death and the power of sin; whoever believes in Him is granted eternal life. John 3:16-17 says, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. for God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him." If you would like to know how to make Jesus YOUR Lord, please ask me!
Or, maybe you're a believer struggling with sexual sin. One of the things that kept me enslaved for so long was shame and condemnation. Or at least, the fear of such things. I felt that I couldn't voice it because pornography was a "man's issue", not a woman's. And this is a very common feeling among women who are addicted to porn. They feel alone. They feel shamed and condemned because they're not "normal". But can I re-assure you? The Bible doesn't discriminate on which gender is more prone to what sin. There is no, "this is the sin of man" and "this is the sin of woman". Sin is sin. It doesn't care what gender, political party, denomination, or race you are. Satan is looking to devour you. If you are struggling with unconfessed sexual sin, please reach out to someone; me, a close friend you know, or a family member that can help you. No matter what you think, you CANNOT gain victory over something like this on your own. It is impossible!
So tell me your story. How has #JesusChangedYourLife?
If you're looking for a service to livestream on Easter Sunday morning, let me invite you to watch my church's at 10 a.m.! You can access via Facebook, YouTube, or their website; links are included below!
https://www.trinitybaptistamarillo.org/covid-19
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5wnlCXio-jF0dQOuazN95g
https://www.facebook.com/trinitybaptistamarillo/
(*Pornography is a broader term than most think. For me, pornography includes things such as erotica, erotic fiction (think 50 Shades of Grey), sexually explicit films, etc. If you look at the dictionary definition, I believe that most things we think are "harmless" sexually are really pornography in disguise. This is also partly why I was trapped for so long-I was able to justify what I was viewing as non-porn, when in reality, it was pornography cloaked in other terms.)
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