I started writing this post early, hoping that I would be able to actually finish and publish it by the 18th. I've started multiple posts over the last few months and never finished them, either for lack of time or interest. I mean, I really doubt anybody wants to read what I write anyway; "verbose" is a good descriptor for me. Or in layman's terms, I'm just wordy. Ask anyone who knows me even slightly well. Thirty words never do when three hundred will do a better job. 😉
But this week, I was thinking about 2020 and all the ways it's personally affected me. So many things, good and bad, have happened over the course of the past 12 months. Who would have ever imagined in January that by March, our world would no longer look "normal"? I keep thinking back to the early months of this year, in disbelief that January was only 11 months ago...and the things that happened then, they weren't really that long ago. I was glancing back over some journal entries I'd written in March (yes, actually written and not typed!) recently and realizing how much God has worked in my own life this year even when I've felt like a failure over and over again. So, the following are some points of reflection I've had over the last week or so. I turn 29 this Friday, so I tried to do 29 points but I didn't quite make it.
2020 has been full of pain and loss...but God still comforts the hurting. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
2020 has been a year of uncertainty...but who God is, is always certain. (Isaiah 40:28)
2020 has been full of changes...but still, God never changes. (Job 23:13)
2020 was filled with injustice, discord, and strife...but God is still just and righteous. (Psalm 89:14)
2020 has brought panic, fear, and sickness...but God is still sovereign and our Great Physician. (Isaiah 45:7; Psalm 103:2-3)
2020 has isolated many of us, emphasizing our own loneliness...but God still never forsakes His own. (Hebrews 13:5-6)
2020 has physically separated us from family, friends, and even our church family...but God is still with us. (Isaiah 41:10)
2020 has altered relationships in a variety of ways, even broken them...but God still wants relationship with us. (1 John 4:16)
2020 has revealed even more sharply how broken we really are...but God still provides redemption and reconciliation through His Son.(Ephesians 2:4-5)
2020 has seen the members of the church body fight with, devour, and bite at each other over insignificant matters...but God is still using His church to further His kingdom. (Matthew 28:18-20)
2020 has revealed, again, how sinful we really are...but God is still a God of "steadfast love" who is "abounding in mercy." (Psalm 86:15)
2020 has shown us to be unfaithful individuals...but God is still faithful, to His promises and to His people. (Deuteronomy 7:9)
2020 has shown me to be a sinner in desperate need of a God who pursues me, even when I pursue worthless things. (Ephesians 2:1-3)
My journal entries I mentioned before, I remember where I was when I wrote them. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. The deep pain that I thought would never heal. The sense of confusion and even betrayal from others. I remember being so desperate to the Lord for Him to remove those things, I wondered if I would ever be on the "other side" of it and be able to understand what healing really meant. And really, in retrospect, it was probably silly in some ways, but the pain, hurt, and heartache surrounding the situation were incredibly real. I literally thought to myself that I would never experience freedom from those things and feelings, thinking I would always be trapped in a prison of misery. Here's the thing, though: I neglected to believe for myself a very real truth. God is not limited by my own flaws. And thankfully, He is not limited by my own disbelief in His character. He's gracious enough that He disciplined me with a difficult and hard circumstance...and I fought it every step of the way. I finally, maybe around the end of the summer/first part of the fall, came to terms with it and let go of it. I realized that He really did know better than me. His ways are always better, and His thoughts are not mine. He sees and knows everything, and because He is all wise, He withholds what we would consider "good" because He knows that it really isn't for our good...or for His glory. I've asked myself several times since, would I be willing to choose that all over again, knowing where I'd end up?
The short answer, just out of my pure human nature, is a firm NO. I don't know that I would ever choose the harder road (though let's be honest, I made it a lot harder at times because I was being rebellious and stubborn). Thank goodness I don't have the ability to go back and choose. God, in His infinite wisdom, goodness, holiness, and love, chose the better thing for me because I don't hold even a small fraction of His wisdom or knowledge. I've come to love that passage in Hebrews 12, where the author talks about how the Lord disciplines those He loves, and if He doesn't discipline us as sons, He doesn't love it. I think about my own parents who disciplined me...at the time, I didn't understand why; I just thought they were being mean! As an adult, I realize they did so for my own good and my protection because they knew better. I had to trust that, just like I have to trust my heavenly Father that He knows better than me. How arrogant of me to think that I can choose better than Him when I don't have even a grain of sand compared to His vast ocean of knowledge. 2020 has shown me that I can be grateful for His shutting doors on my own plans in preparation for His own, even when it's a hard situation.
"Get used to different."
If you know me at all, you also know how big a fan I am of The Chosen, a multi-season TV series about the life of Christ (Okay, stop reading, go download the free app and watch all 8 episodes for free. You will thank me later.). One of the things that stood out to me from the show was their use of Isaiah 43, which as you all know, is my favorite passage in the Bible (hello, I tattooed it on myself in permanent ink!). One of the ideas presented in the show is that Jesus did things differently. He was a different Messiah than expected, He turned the status quo on its head, He even treated women of His day differently. When He calls Matthew from his tax collector's booth, and Simon (Peter) objects to this, Jesus simply responds, "Get used to different." This has been a drumbeat of 2020. Get used to different. This is the new normal. But for me, "get used to different" has not just been a thing representative of 2020 itself, but of how God has been working in my life and in the life of my family over the last year. I think I've shared my story of how difficult the end of 2019 was for our family; our lives got completely turned upside down last September, and for all of us, the rest of 2019 into 2020 was full of questions, tears, anger, hurt, and more questions. Why would God allow that to happen? Why are people in the church allowed to get away with doing that to their pastor? Why, God, why?
"Get used to different." Even our family traditions for things like Thanksgiving and Christmas are having to change because, "get used to different." I never realize how much I dislike change until I have to "get used to different". How good a reminder, too, that unlike our world and lives, God never changes. His immutability is what makes Him God, and me...not so much. Thank goodness for that. Did you know that the director of The Chosen, Dallas Jenkins, based that concept of "get used to different" on Isaiah 43? Specifically, Isaiah 43:19, which says, "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." How beautifully humbling to know that God not only provides, but He makes a way when it's seemingly impossible; because quite frankly, on our own strength and in our own supposed "goodness", it IS impossible.
Will 2021 be any better than 2020? There is no telling. I certainly hope so, but I'm a natural skeptic I think so I always look for the gray clouds among the silver linings. 😂 One part of me is glad I am ignorant of the future, while the other part of me hates uncertainty and the unknown. But while I don't know the future, I do know Someone Who does. Corrie ten Boom once said, "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." That's what I will strive to do, not just with 2021, but with every facet of my own personal life.
