That said, at the time I started writing this particular post, my life looked slightly different. At the time, I still intended to proceed in my M.B.A online program, though I was questioning that decision and feeling convicted that I was chasing an idol. A few days after, I made the decision to withdraw from the M.B.A. program completely once I turn in my final exam for my current class. Honestly, this was a decision I should have made months ago, because I think I knew inwardly at the time that the right choice was not to pursue it. It just took me a lot of time, effort, tears, and money to listen to what God was trying to get me to hear. The extreme dissatisfaction I was experiencing in my job, to the point that I nearly quit numerous times, was I think a result of an idol I'd allowed to grow without even realizing it. I wanted financial security and stability; and certainly, there's nothing at all wrong with striving for that sort of thing! But I was allowing it to override my own interests and desires; to the point where it was sapping the enjoyment out of anything and everything. I was determined that if I just achieved this "one thing", I would finally be happy. I would finally get what I wanted, and I wouldn't have to worry about my own future.
But the thing is...my future would have been uncertain whether or not I decided to pursue my M.B.A. In human terms, that is; it's not uncertain in God's terms. That's a frustrating reality for me. I hate not knowing. Part of my personality is such that I just hate not knowing what the plan is for ANYTHING. I'm probably a little OCD in that arena, because I just can't stand not knowing (ok, it could also have something to do with the fact that I'm a little bit of a control freak...). I have to know in advance what I'm doing, where I'm going, what time I need to be there, who I'll be with, etc., otherwise, I'm just a mess because I don't know what's going to happen. I feel like that is pretty applicable to most, if not all of life itself. I don't know about you, but COVID-19 has shown me in a very tangible way that I am NOT in control. I have no control over my own health, my job, my schedule, my shopping...anything. About the only thing I do have control over are the portions I feed my cats (and they probably think I'm starving them!).
It's been a hard reminder too, of how much I struggle to trust the Lord in every area of life; how much I struggle to place my desires into His hands and let Him take control. It's been a rude awakening, in a way, to realize that no matter what I do, ultimately, it's all for naught if my heart isn't pursuing Him above all other things. My friend Ashlie showed me a diagram that she learned in seminary, and I've included my own interpretation of it below. The chair is the throne of my heart. The cross represents, well, Jesus. The things underneath (labeled A, B, C, D, E) are my desires. In their proper realm, they should always under subjection to Christ. And in and of themselves, they are good things. Dating, marriage, family-those are good gifts God sometimes chooses to bestow upon His children. The problem is when one of those things or gifts grows legs and decides it wants up on the throne of my heart (excuse my poorly drawn staircase!). The result? You either have that desire kicking Jesus off the throne completely (or at least attempting to), OR you have that desire trying to share the glory of my throne with Jesus ("Jesus and..."). How it should be is #5-Jesus only. I keep this diagram on the whiteboard in my room because it's a reminder of where my priorities should be.
So, if anything, this time of weirdness has helped to reveal things I didn't realize were idols-I've struggled with the idolatry of dating and marriage for the last year (and am still wrestling with it, so that chapter isn't closed yet), but I didn't realize I was chasing an idol of financial security and money. I hid it under the guise of, "well, I won't get married any time soon, so I should look out for myself." When I was little, I used to imagine what my life would be in my 20s. Didn't you? I can tell you, the first 28 years have looked NOTHING like what I imagined or hoped. When I was in middle school, I had my life planned out: high school graduation, college, college graduation...and by the time I was 24, I'd be married with kids. I have to laugh about that last one. I'm 28 with two cats-I don't see that changing in the near future! 😂 (But that would be a completely separate post and one I'm not going to talk about, so...sorry to disappoint you! The Lord is certainly still teaching me satisfaction in that arena and He has a looonnnggg way to go! (Does it hinder Him when I'm kind of kicking and screaming some along the way? Just a bit.))
You know, I had high hopes for my 27th year. I made some new friends, so that was an up. Friends moved away, and while bittersweet, it was a bit of a down. I always try to look at a new year as a chance to, if not start over, hit the reset button a bit. I had really high hopes for 2019. Between starting back to school, youth camp, etc. I felt like I had a good handle on the year. Probably about July it seemed to start spiraling, slowly at first, but it continued to pick up speed throughout the fall. I switched small groups, Sunday school classes, and altered my personal life in ways I had no intention of doing in January. Then, in September, my dad was forced to resign from his pastorate at Nocona. The Sunday I found that out, it was like someone had kicked me in the gut-it came as a total shock. I can't/won't go into the details, but it was an unfounded, forced resignation. It upended my family completely and is still something I'm processing. The anger, the hurt, the bitterness...all of it swirled back up to the surface after having been stuffed for so long (like I said in my introductory post, my life as a pastor's kid is a post in and of itself). The things I thought I'd dealt with? I realized they had never been fully dealt with. My parents ended up moving and our lives changed fairly dramatically. Christmas was nothing like previous years. Even my birthday was different.
But, a new year was around the corner, and I thought, "Surely, 2020 will be better! Surely year 28 will be awesome!". Haha, was I wrong! So far it's been an extreme disappointment; can I cancel my subscription somehow? With all that's happening with COVID-19, I'm wondering what was worse: 2019 in its entirety, or 2020 in the first 4 months. The one thing I miss the most, aside from being able to go wherever I want whenever I want, is being at church with the people I call family. I miss Sunday mornings being all together, and I miss getting to be physically together with my small group and Sunday school class! It makes me long for the day when restrictions are lifted, which is an unknown date and seems to be moving further and further away. I have to say though, even in the middle of my own depression, anxiety, and fear, God has proven faithful. He has provided, even in small ways. He will continue to do both of those things because that's part of His nature. I am so faithless at times, it's a wonder He doesn't throw me away! But isn't that what makes His grace amazing? That even during my most disobedient, faithless moments, He's still pursuing me. I love this quote from Jen Wilkin, in her book, "In His Image": "even as we contemplate faithlessness to Him [regarding temptation and sin], He stands faithfully pointing the way to salvation." (pg. 103). It's reassuring to know that in my own mess ups, He is still the same. He disciplines, of course, and I have felt that discipline acutely over the past year (do I learn? I'm working on it!). Do my problems resolve or go away because I know He is sovereign and in control? Not necessarily. I'll be honest that this week, I've been in what Anne Shirley calls the "depths of despair". Some of it is situational (y'all, not able to do things or go places is really starting to wear on me), some of it is just me (I've dealt with depression since middle school, the severity just comes and goes), and some of it is sinful (could you tell that I relate to Israel in the wilderness? God is still working on getting the Egypt out of me!).
I'm glad to be reminded, though, and to know that God will never change. He is always the same, He is always faithful, He will always provide even in ways I don't expect or anticipate, He is good, He loves me enough to discipline as a father, He is just, and He is holy. Thankful too, that He peels away the disguises I put on myself, and reminds me that a) I cannot do anything on my own power--when I do, and I have, and I still do so, and will continue to do so, I only reap trouble, misery, and heartache; b) My heart is wicked and prone to seeking out other "gods", whether they be in the form of people, relationships, or money; c) I need to trust Him that He knows best--not just in the arena of money and finances, but in my desire for dating/marriage/family, and that if He chooses to withhold something, it's because it's not the best thing for me (either ever or just at the time, who knows?).
I want to share 2 songs that are really special to me. Both are by CityAlight, and they are beautiful, solid reminders of truth (I recommend all of their music-I have them on repeat!). One is called "Yet Not I But Through Christ In Me" and the other is "Christ is Mine Forevermore". As you might can guess when you listen, the verses that I identify with the most are the ones about sorrow and grief! I'm thankful though, that despite all the pain and misery I might be experiencing now, God will not leave me there forever. It's a valley that He's faithfully walking with me and leading me through. And how awesome is it too that, "I know my pain will not be wasted, Christ completes His work in me"?
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