(This post was originally started in 2020. There will be a note marking where the 2021 section starts.)
There is no denying that 2020 has been a very difficult year. Six months and counting of a pandemic. Six months of financial unknowns, insecurities, and job loss. Six months of social distancing, face coverings, isolations, and lockdowns. Many people are asking, "when will it ever end?" with no answer in sight. Many more, including myself, are asking, "when will things ever get back to normal?", as if "normal" is a safe and secure state. While I long for something akin to "normal", I also have to admit: do I really want things to back to "normal"? The things I took for granted, the people I thought I'd see any time I wanted, the places I could go any time I pleased? As much as I dislike the current situation, and as much as I'd like to see people not living in fear of a virus (that they can't control, by the way), I don't ever want to return to a place where I take anything for granted: attending church freely, gathering with friends, having people over.
2019 was not the best year on record for me...I experienced a lot of personal difficulty and heartache, most of which was because of my own sinfulness and choices. July, September, and October were particularly hard months. Okay, well if I had to be honest, September-December were really hard months. When 2019 ended, I was so thankful to see it go, hopeful that 2020 would be better.
Can I get my money back now?
If you follow me on Facebook, you saw me share a memory that popped up of a photo of 3 of my closest friends and myself. I can't share it publicly due to privacy concerns.
It was taken September 22nd, 2019. I don't remember a ton about that weekend. Tara had come to town because of the Down Syndrome Association Buddy Walk, and I sang on praise team that Sunday. My emotions were already frazzled by the time I got to church Sunday morning. I'd been singing a lot on praise team up until that point; I was struggling with my faith at the time and really questioning everything I believed. It was almost as if God was orchestrating my being on praise team so much at the time because He knew I wouldn't be in church otherwise.
---------------Below is a continuation written September 22, 2021--------------
I told y'all, I'm probably the world's worst blog writer. It should be fairly obvious, as I started this post originally in 2020 but I never finished. I got discouraged partway through and forgot about it. Today the same photo mentioned above popped up in my memories. Not surprisingly, the emotions it raised were mixed: happiness because it was a good time with friends when we hadn't all been together in a long time, but sad because of all that transpired that day. See, September 22, 2019 was the day I received a life-changing phone call: my dad would be forced to resign from his position as pastor. I will never, ever forget where I was that day or who I was with. I was at a restaurant (I know the name and address but since this is a public blog, I'm keeping that part classified), standing in line waiting on all my friends to get there after church. I had indeed been on praise team that morning, and I was already not in a great place emotionally (let's just say I was wrestling with my heart and my heart was not making good choices in who it thought it loved). My friends went on ahead of me in line, because my phone rang and I saw it was my mom. My mom never calls me on a Sunday, especially then because she knew I was usually busy with church things. I answered it and never expected to hear the words, "we think we're being fired this afternoon". Talk about a sucker punch to your gut.
Of course, I was so stunned that I couldn't really even move. I then started crying, even though I was trying not to, which naturally makes you cry even harder. I hung up the phone and my friends realized I wasn't with them after they'd gone through the check out line. They circled back to ask what was wrong, and somehow I managed to choke out what my mom had told me. My sweet friends didn't say much, but what they did do spoke volumes. They each hugged me, and then they prayed with me right there in the restaurant. Had I been by myself when I had gotten the call, I really don't know that I would be sitting here now. I somehow made it through lunch (I didn't eat, obviously) and through part of the day with them. I finally just needed to be alone so I could process what my mom had told me. Later that afternoon as I was getting ready to leave for small group, my mom texted me that the resignation was final. I texted my small group leaders to let them know why I wasn't coming that night and then I just sobbed. I was emotionally drained by the next morning and I struggled with going into work. I managed somehow, but I cried several times at work (which I absolutely never do), and I finally requested about noon if I could just go home. I had multiple people concerned with my well-being at the time, to the point where my church staff was notified and I had a friend call me to check on me.
All of this to say, 2 years later, that day still hurts. I realize now that what happened on that day and the following weeks will likely be wounds that will never fully heal. Looking back, it doesn't seem like 2 years and yet, it seems far longer than only 2 years. Lots of things have happened in that time period. People in my life have drifted away, gotten married, had kids. My parents have had to find a way to adjust to suddenly being yanked out of ministry after 35+ years and are currently working for a public ISD. My lab location moved last fall (that was a major headache) and I had my heart broken at least twice. But, as of this writing, I'm almost 3 months into a relationship with a great guy and if you'd have told me in January that I would have started dating someone 6 months into 2021 as the result of a dating app, I would have legitimately laughed in your face! 😂
I'm rambling though. What my point is, is that in 2019, God had me strategically placed. Or rather, He had people strategically placed around me at the time that I needed when I didn't fully realize it. At a time when my world literally bottomed out, and my faith was in severe crisis, God had me in a church that surrounded me with love, support, and encouragement. People prayed for me not knowing the full reason for the tears on my face. People hugged me not knowing I needed it the most because it was a struggle to simply walk through the choir room doors on Wednesday night for rehearsal. Songs and preaching became a balm to not only my soul but my parents' soul and helped facilitate some form of healing in a period where we were all so hurt and angry that walking through the church doors on a Sunday was next to impossible. Friends loved on my parents even though they didn't really know my parents; they prayed for them and welcomed them with open arms. While I may have let go of God for a brief time, God never once let go of me. He kept a firm grip in the middle of absolute chaos and suffering. He walked with us in the valley. He was gently reminding us that in spite of the suffering inflicted by others, suffering that maybe He even allowed, He would never leave us to face it alone. It's one reason why Isaiah 43 became a passage that I claimed even more as my own. It's why I decided in May 2020 to tattoo it on my wrist so that it would always be a constant, visible reminder of Who brought me through the difficult things of life. It's why Isaiah 43:2 artwork is framed and hung visibly on a wall in my living room, "when you go through deep waters, I will be with you". Suffering is never enjoyable. I won't sit here and say I'd choose to go back through all that again if given the chance. But what I will say: God made Himself known better to me through the last 2 years. Things about Him that I would not have learned otherwise, I learned because of suffering. And when times are good, those things are even sweeter because of the time spent wrestling.
The wounds may never fully heal here on Earth, but I know the One Who does ultimately heal. I take great comfort each day in knowing He has not lost a step in this crazy, upside down world we live in. I hope you know that comfort too.
